Being in a relationship with a chronic cheater became detrimental to my mental health. My family wondered why I stayed with him for so long. 17 years long to be exact. Why did I continually repeat the same cycle of finding out that he cheated, declaring that it’s over, and then taking him back? WTF was wrong with me? Was I brain dead? No😒….. I believe to Love someone means to love all of them. Even the flaws. Because usually behind the flaws, is the cause, a reason why they are doing what they are doing, well speaking in regards to cheating and infidelity.
You See, no one knew he was sexually abused as a child by 3 different people without ever having the issues even discussed, let alone addressed in terms of counseling or therapy for help and healing. But I knew. I knew his story. His story was my story. I too was sexually abused myself by my Grandmother’s boyfriend. So I understood. And I dealt with his trauma. Dealt with his pain. Dealt with his abusive ways, which I call The Abuse Trifecta; physical, mental, & emotional abuse. But I didn’t realize how bad it was breaking me down on the inside. With each cycle of Revealing, Declaring Accepting and Repeat, a piece of me faded away. Chiseled off. Gone. I was losing myself and didn’t realize it until one day I didn’t know who I was. I was the crazy lady rocking, screaming, crying, and hollering to the top of my lungs on the verge of a full mental breakdown.
After going through such a traumatic yet therapeutic time, I came to a conclusion that has helped me to start to heal and wanting to help others heal as well. We live in a world full of hurting people. You know how the saying goes “hurt people, hurt people”. Well I believe it truly. People are so consumed with their own pain and trying to stop it or feed it, nuture it or comfort it, or whatever the IT is that’s in place at the time or fits their needs at the moment, that they are totally oblivious to how their actions are and going to affect the people around them. Most people do not set out to hurt people intentionally or on purpose. They are so wrapped up in making themselves feel better that you become glass. They don’t see you. All they want to do is stop their pain. Pain is one of the ways to invoke people into action. It motivates people to make change. All people are thinking is I have to do what I need to to stop the pain.
We endure so much unnecessary pain that we put ourselves through. We are in desperate need as a society for love of self/Self-love. Self love teaches you to accept yourself. Self-Love puts into perspective the importantance of self-care. Learning to love yourself has the boomerang effect, when you project love out, it comes back to you! Self-Love helps you to see where the love is needed in your life. What areas are lacking attention? Are you speaking your truth? Are you speaking up for yourself? Are you saying Yes when you really mean No? When the love I had for my ex was more than the love I had for myself, I knew something had to give. It was time to go.
I left him and put all my focus on myself. Yoga, meditation, reading, and nature walks was all apart of my healing process.
I began to “Mind my business”. We throw the term around so often that I wondered what it really means and was led to this conclusion with help from @Rev. Blaq Fire Nation: Minding your business is not just about refraining from getting into others people’s business, but it means to be mindful of the thoughts you are letting consume you throughout your day. Keeping negative self talk to a minimum to essentially none.
Remaining in the present moment. The present is the only time we have control over. The past cannot be changed and the Future has not happened yet. Neither of them exist, only in our minds. We dwell on both these time frames and totally lose sight of the now.
Self-Love is not instinctual for everyone. Some of us have no clue where to began to learn self love or how to began cultivating it within yourself. Here are a few Tips that helped me:
1. You can start by liking yourself! Yes liking you! Accepting yourself, flaws and all.
2. Commit to Changing the things that you can and want about yourself. Changes that are positive and needed to make you better.
3. Staying away from people who are negative. They are energy vamps that Suck you dry of all that potent Golden positive energy.
Remember that you should be your biggest fan!